My friendship with Time

I sat on a cliff today, conversing with God.  I wrote down my thoughts and my prayers asking mercy for my sick, sinful heart; asking for clarity on my life that I often try to control with my own hands and discussing with him the idea of relationsips...friendships and romantic, wondering what he has up his sleeve.  I sat there alone on my cliff, listening to the birds chirp, the wind blow in the breeze, the bustling of leaves as animals crept along them and the faint sounds of voices as families walked by, out for their afternoon stroll.  I listened intently, hoping desperately that God would answer me.  It is amazing what you will hear in the silence of the world.  God has creative ways of speaking to us, it is just a matter of whether or not we are willing to sit quiety and listen, really listen.

This particular cliff has a special place in my heart; I visit almost once a week.  Many deep conversations about life and love have been had there, romantic dates have been here, but my absolute favorite is when I visit the cliff on my own, just me and God.  We sit there and often argue about who is really in control of my life, what is best for me, and what my purpose and gifts are in this world...I always loose.  Losing isnt usually fun, but in this case, I love to loose....I feel reassured, but only here.  No, this cliff is very special.  I walk towards it with an excitement that I cant describe...every time.  As I draw nearer to this place, I feel the presence of God more than ever.  For some reason, this is the place where we are able to connect most.  As I arrive, it's as if the world around me has stopped.  I assume that I have entered into a great bubble in which the world around me proceeds to take place, but I....I am alone, with God, and time itself has ceased to exist. 

When I reach this spot, it is no question of how long I have been in my bubble, because time isn't aloud here.  It is my Narnia, or maybe the land of pools in between my bubble and earth.  Out here, time is immeasurable, infinate.  It is kind of like that annoying friend everyone has.  The one that never seems to go away.  Eventually, you have to run away until you are so far, that he cant be seen or heard.  Only in a place such as this can you escape his presence. 

Dear Time,
I am in my special place right now and you are not welcome.  I need some space from you and wish not to see you right now.  This is my spot, Time.  I dont wish to give it to you nor do I wish to share it with you.  Today, it is just me and my God-and you are not welcome.  But I will gladly hang out with you when I leave here.  I will even be nice to you and obey yout holds you have on my life as long as you just give me this one moment to myself...away from you.
Candace

It listened to me, it wasnt until I left my bubble, no telling how many minutes or hours later, that I met up with time again.  I did as I promised, I was nice to it and certainly obeyed the holds it has on me.  But I did it with a new sense of patience, loyalty, and desire.  I no longer felt that my friend, Time was unwelcome in my life...now, I welcome it and this time...with a smile on my face.

Searching for the old me...

It has been a while since I have written on here.  I quit because I didnt think anyone every read my posts.  I am back for that very same reason.  I need a way to vent, a way to express how I am feeling and if other people read it, great...if not...I'm not surprised. 

When do you get to the point in your life when you say "enough is enough?"  I genuinely want to know because my instinct has told me to say it for some time now, but my heart is unsure that it should.  I understand that my sour feelings towards people around me are partially due to my own insecurities, my own wandering thoughts, and my own doubt in God and others.  I also know that sometimes, just sometimes...these feelings are real. 

Columbia is slowly becoming a lonely place for me.  A place where I feel that every friendship that I have at the moment is, when I'm honest with myself...fake.  I often wonder to myself if it would matter to anyone if I wasnt here anymore.  Not in a suicidal freakish kinda way, but if I moved kinda way.  Why do I feel like it wouldnt?  Should I feel like that or am I seriously insecure about the people that I spend my time with.  I notice how they treat other people in comparison to how I feel I am being treated...the difference is rather great. 

This is by no means a way for me to say that I shouldnt be here.  The Lord has definately put tasks before me here and presented me with opportunity to minister to college students.  I feel like that is the one thing in my life right now, that I know I am doing right.  At least to the best of my abilities.  No, I am not speaking of my job...I am speaking of my friends, or what I desperately wish to call my friends.  What I am missing, is genunie Christ centered friendships.  My closest friends have recently moved away....all of them.  Can we say "faith test"?  Now that they are all gone and our friendships are still going strong but only by the phone wire by which we are connected, I am searching for that closeness with others...and I am just not finding it. 

Like I said before, its not just them.  In fact, it is probably more me than them.  I have always been the type of person to have several groups of friends.  I loved it like that because there was so much diversity among the types of people that I hung out with and there literally never was a dull moment.  The downside to that is that I was never great freinds with one particular group.  Now that all of my different "groups" of friends are parting ways...I find myself having some regrets. 

There are many things taking place in my life that are factoring into these feelings.  My financial rut that I am in being the most challenging.  I have tried to be honest with others about what I am going through, no one seems to understand.  I come from a poor family, one that knows what its like to not eat or be able to go to school on certain occasions due to having to work or help with the sick siblings.  This part of my life seems to be following around as my shadow and I cant seem to make it go away.  I am desperately trying so hard but it is a matter of time and patience.  I am feeling weak and ready to give up the fight.  I know that my trust in God to provide is in the ditch but I have faith that I can gain that trust back eventually.  Hopefully.  This area of my life has effected what I think about myself and what I think about others.  It consumes my thoughts daily and interferes with my life all the time. 

I dont want anyone feeling sorry for me...that is the last thing that I would want or need at this point in time.  What I am asking for, though, is just the slightest bit of understanding, guidance, support, comfort, and friendship. And here we are, once again, back to the beginning topic.  Trust me, I know that if I were sitting here reading this same post about someone else I would be saying "that girl is crazy.  She has some serious insecurities and she just needs to learn to trust in God."  Well, that seems to be easier said than done.  I used to be that way.  I used to feel happier, less stressed, comforted, and surrounded by friends.  I know that my smile used to be my trait.  I feel myself changing.  As stupid as this may sound, I have been comparing myself to Harry Potter in book five.  It could be because I am obsessed with Harry Potter and just love it, or it could be that I just recently read it and legitimately felt myself relating to that character.  Not quite sure how to better explain that one and still sound somewhat sane. 

All this being said, I am not giving up the search.  I think it will take some real time but I just want to matter.  I know that I do...but not really.  Sarah is a great friend.  I love that she calls me to tell me that the man she is standing behind in the grocery store has a tupee that keeps moving around.  I love that Adrienne calls me to tell me that our old cat did a new trick and that she missed living with me.  I love that Amanda calls me to tell me about her new job and that she cant wait for me to come see her.  I love that Melanie calls me to tell me all about Nick and that her sister is dating a 30 year old man.  I hate that they have to do it from so far away while people here, right under my nose, dont really call me at all.  Maybe I am having a pitty party but I'll tell you what, it sure does feel good to get these feelings out in the open...even if it is just to my silly computer. 

Saved! or Doomed?

I saw a movie tonight called Saved! with Mandy Moore.  I was interested to see what it could possibly be about and what it actually presented made me somewhat sick to my stomach.  I couldn't help thinking that the millions of people watching this movie tonight are recieving such a poor representation of what it means to be a Christian.  I understand that I by no means have it "together" so some of you reading this may be asking why I think I have the credibility to be writing this post.  I suppose I dont, but I'm going to share my thoughts anyways...

The movie takes place in a Christian school and focuses on the life on one teenage girl surrounded by people that do not understand her and that are not willing to help her.  Her boyfriend comes out and tells her that he is gay.  When everyone finds out, he is sent to a place called Mercy House; it is a place for the "bad" kids because they are not accepted into the school.  This teenage girl ends up pregnant with her gay boyfriends baby and is forced to hide it because she is afraid of how everyone will treat her.  When she is quesioning the power of prayer, she is kicked out of her circle of friends and told that she is a "disgrace". 

When others begin to see her questioning, they literally try to kidnap her and pray over her.  They tell her to turn away from Satan and that she is going to hell.  When this girl tries to run away they physically push her around and one of them even throws the Bible at her.  The dialogue went like this:

H: "Turn from Satan, Jesus loves you"
M: "You dont know the first thing about love"
H: (throws the Bible at her) "No, I am filled with the love of Jesus.  You are just jealous of my success in the Lord"
M: (holding the Bible) "This shouldnt be a weapon, Hilary Fay"

I have never watched a movie that literally makes me so mad.  Maybe that is the goal of the movie, and maybe that is my irrogance shinging through.  Unfortunately, I think that the perception of Christianity that the director holds is closer to the same perception that most of society holds as well.  How do we help others understand that we sin just as much as anyone else and we are all the same, no one person is better than the other?  How do we show others that we love them no matter what they have done, what they are doing, or what we think they may do in the future?  How do we show others that God is the most important thing and should be put first but that does not mean sacrificing a life of fun, fellowship, or happiness.

It seems like most people think of Christians as a cult.  A group of people that refuse to have fun, look down on others, and refuse to accept anyone different than them.  I feel like I have been engaged in several conversations lately that have been on this topic of perceptions but for some reason it took watching this movie to really make me feel sad.  If I were a non Christian watching this movie, I would find Christianity completely unnatractive and I can honestly say that if I were in their shoes, I wouldnt want to be a part of this either. 

I would strongly encourage everyone to watch this movie and share your thoughts on it. 

Celebrate. Remember. Fight Back.

Relay for Life is one of my favorite times of the year.  This weekend I was reminded of why.  Lots of people get involved in Relay every year yet it still remains a very personal event.  I love it because everyone is there for the same reason and with a passion to make a difference.  It is an incredible experience to gather together and remember those that have fought cancer and to celebrate those that have survived it.  Knowing Melanie has been one of the best and most challenging experiences of my life.  When she was diagnosed two years ago, it was hard on her and on those that loved her.  We were there for each other and for Melanie to help her get through this tough time.  We were so thankful when it was over.

Melanie's mother was able to give a speach on her role as a caregiver during the event.  I sat there and held Jessie's hand and we cried together while Melanie's mother retold the events to the entire relay.  It was hard to go back to those events and remember them...its almost as if I had blocked them out of my mind.  It's not over for Melanie though, she is still emotionally attached to that period in her life and it will forever change her and haunt her.  It was good to be reminded of how precious life is and how we are not always promised tomorrow.  I should always remember too.  I should remember the work that God has done in Melanie's life and in mine through this trial.  She has touched so many lives and inspired so many people.

I love going to relay for life and hearing the stories of other survivors and what it is that helped them through their time.  It creates this amazing cycle of inspiring stories and love being spread.  It is a non tangent form of the gift economy.  We receive the beautiful gift of someones motivational stories and then we are able to share them with others hoping to inspire them as well.  So many people are effected by this disease whether it is them, a loved one, a friend, or even a friend of a friend.  Cancer effects so many people and that is why it is so important to fight to find a cure.  If you have never been involved in Relay before, I encourage you to find a way to get involved because it will change your life forever!

The Greatest in the Kingdom

The first words that I hear out of their mouhs when I come see them is "Ms. Candace, Ms. Candace"!  They run to me and beg me to play the game of the day.  What is it?  Cops and robbers, pirates, tag? Nope...today we were pretending to be rocket ships.  As we sat on the swing set, we counted back from 10...then we blasted off and went into outer space.  According to some of the kids, we were going to the moon...others wanted to go to a new galaxy, or pluto,the dog!  As I swang with them and blasted off, I couldnt help but remember the thoughts running through my head just before this moment.  "I need to write this paper, turn in this journal, finish filling out this paper work, see my advisor...I cant believe I am not graduating...How am I going to get all of this done?" 

Riding in a space ship taught me more than how to use my imagination today.  We worry so much as adults but to these kids....worry and fear is only a figment of their imagination.  They dont understand the concept of completing certain tasks unless it includes cleaning up their toys or being kind to others.  They are innocent children and rely completely on the adults in their lives to take care of them.  When they need/want something, they arent too prideful to ask for help in getting it.  When they get hurt, their first instinct is to run to someone they know will take care of them.  When another child steals their toy, they make sure they have stood up for themselves only to be best friends minutes later with that same child, the one that was thier enemy only a minute ago or continue to love their father that continually abuses them.  We, on the other hand, refuse to ask for something as simple as directions, we tell ourselves we dont need anyone when we are hurting, and we take days, months, even years to forgive those that have wronged us...if we even do.

At that time, the deciples came to Jesus, saying, "Who then is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?"  Then Jesus called a little child to Him, set him in the midst of them, and said, "Assuredly, I say to you, unless you are converted and become as little children, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.  Therefore whoever humbles himself as this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.  Whoever recieves one little child like this in My name recieves Me. ~ Matt 18:1-5

Jessus describes the children as humble.  It is interesting to me how the sin of humanity rubs off onto little children only to manipulate them into becoming apart of our sinful world.  Were we once like those children?  Why can't we still be?  Regardless of age, we are all still children.  We are children of God and we could learn something from the children that are around us...as Jesus tells us to do.  We should turn to God in every aspect of our lives.  He is our Maker, our Creator, our King, our Father.  We owe Him everything.  How do we humble ourselves as children do and recieve Christ?